


Just Breathe

by Buttispams



Category: Alternative Universe - Fandom, Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: AU but slightly, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Crying, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Not Really Character Death, Romance, but really, otp: wait that's my word
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:53:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23304940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buttispams/pseuds/Buttispams
Summary: Pete gets redeployed to Afghanistan two years into his relationship with Chasten. Chasten has to cope with the reality of the situation.
Relationships: Chasten Buttigieg/Original Male Character(s), Chasten Buttigieg/Pete Buttigieg
Comments: 19
Kudos: 29





	1. This Isn't Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not the biggest fan of AU's, but I wrote this one anyways.  
> I hope you enjoy it.  
> And please don't hate me.

For almost two years now, Chasten has been the happiest he has ever been in his entire life. He didn’t think he deserved this life. A gorgeous house, a rambunctious dog, and the most loving boyfriend he could have ever dreamt of. Nothing could take this away from him, he was finally living the life so many people tried to deny him of.

He had just taken their dog, Truman, on a walk, when he arrived back at the house. He instantly noticed the second car in the driveway indicating that Peter was home.

He entered the house with a smile on his face. Quickly detaching Truman from the leash, he walked in to see he boyfriend, but upon seeing Peter, Chasten’s smile vanished, and was immediately replaced with worry lines.

Peter was on the couch, shoulders slumped, holding a letter that he didn’t appear to be reading, just staring at. There was a single tear running down his face.

Chasten dropped the leash to the floor, and rushed to his boyfriend's side. He placed a hand on Peter’s shoulder.

“Peter? What’s wrong? What is in the letter?”

Peter slowly looked up to him as a few more tears poured from his eyes. 

He spoke softly, just above a whisper “I’m being redeployed. I leave in three weeks.”

Chasten went numb, it was as if he had been pulled from the world around him. Tears were escaping his eyes, but he couldn’t feel them, couldn’t blink them away. Sound was muted, he saw Peter’s lips moving, but he couldn’t hear the words, the clock on the fireplace continued, but didn’t tick.

Suddenly he was pulled back to reality, as Peter grasped his shoulders and spoke sternly “It won’t be too long, we can get through this, I will come back to you.”

Chasten wrapped his arms around Peter, and didn’t let go for a long time.

They went to Peter’s parents house for dinner to break news to them. Anne cried and held Peter tight, Joe only let one tear slip, and hugged his son, telling him how proud he was of his commitment to his country.

Chasten called his own parents. He needed to hear his mom’s voice, he wanted more than anything to once again be that small child in his mother’s arms unaware of the scary things in life.

After ending the call, and getting ready for bed, Chasten crawled into bed next to Peter. He rested his head on Peter’s chest, squeezing his eyes shut and focusing on the steady beat of Peter’s heart. He tried to control his breathing to keep from crying again, he had three weeks until Peter left, this was not the time to waste all of his tears.

___________________

The next two and a half weeks went on as close as they could to their usual routine. There were times where the thought of Peter leaving was forgotten and they enjoyed the present ignorantly.

Two days before Pete was set to leave, they agreed to go on one last date night to hold them over until Peter got back. They went to their usual place for special dates, Fiddler's Hearth, in the heart of South Bend. They split a scotched egg, and had a pint, recreating their first date, knowing that Peter would be overseas for their anniversary in less than two months.

After dinner, they went on a familiar walk along the St. Joseph River, hand in hand, quietly observing the colorful lights reflected on the water.

When they got back to the house, Chasten stopped Peter in front of the steps in the entryway. He pulled him into his arms, rested his chin on his shoulder, and swayed to the music playing in his head.

He turned his head to place a delicate kiss to Peter’s temple, and whispered in his ear, “Take me to bed”

They slowly made their way up the steps, Chasten trailing behind Peter, being led by the hand in his own. When they got to the bedroom they gently collapsed on the bed. Peter pressed his lips to Chasten’s, quickly deepening it and rolling so he was on top of Chasten. He slipped his waist between Chastens thighs, and continued to kiss, up his jawline and down his neck, stopping to lightly nibble on the sensitive skin of his collar bone.

That night, they made love like it was their first time in each other's arms, slow and passionate, yet urgent and deep.

_________________

The next night they settled down for bed together for what would be the last time for a while. Just the simple act of Peter pulling back the comforter had Chastens eyes glossing over.

Peter laid down first, on his side, and opened his arms as a silent invitation for Chasten to join him. He melted into Peter’s arms, breathing calmly at first, until he felt the embrace grow stronger. Peter was crying, and Chasten couldn’t keep it together any more. Moisture flowed down his cheeks like a running faucet, he grabbed on to Peter’s t-shirt, and sobbed, eventually crying himself to sleep.

___________________

Today was the day. The day that would change Chasten’s entire life. Today was the day that Peter was leaving, for a second time, to Afghanistan.

His flight was scheduled for 3:30pm, meaning they would have to be at the O’Hare airport by 2:00pm, and Chasten would have to say goodbye by 2:30pm to give Peter time to get his tickets organized, and then through security. Anne and Joe would drive them there, insisting that Chasten was not allowed to drive home alone. And Sherrie and Terry would meet them at the terminal.

Chasten woke up early determined to spend as much time with Peter as possible. He stayed in his arms a few moments longer, enjoying the sensation of being held, but he got up before his emotions got the chance to take over and make him cry again.

He traveled downstairs to the kitchen, pulled eggs out of the fridge, and started the coffee. Peter wouldn’t be eating a home cooked meal for months, so Chasten decided he would get one more before he left.

About 30 minutes later, a sleep disheveled Peter trotted into the kitchen. He smiled at the sight in front of him. Chasten was standing over the stove putting the finishing touches on the omelettes, and shaking his hips to Taylor Swifts ‘22’.

Peter couldn’t help but let out an audible chuckle, startling Chasten from his actions.

“Jeez, you can’t sneak up on me like that.” Chasten was staring wide eyed at him, one hand pressed to his fast pulsing heart, and the other fiercely wrapped around a spatula.

“Don’t stop on my account. I was enjoying the show.”

“Sit, I made breakfast,” Chasten said, ignoring Peter’s comment.

They sat in silence enjoying their food, occasionally shooting sad glances at one another.

Chasten helped Peter pack, which wasn’t much, he was only allowed to bring items on a very specific list. Basically, an overnight bag containing athletic clothes (of approved color) and personal hygiene products. In his wallet he slipped a folded picture of him and Chasten, taken during the first Christmas they spent together.

They enjoyed their last few hours together, doing meaningless tasks, laundry, walking Truman, cleaning the dishes from breakfast, etc. They ached for just a few more minutes of normalcy. But, before they knew it it was time to hit the road.

Right before heading out, Peter knelt down in front of Truman and scooped him in his arms. Unaware of the situation, the dog protested, but Peter didn’t let up. He pressed his lips to Truman’s head before letting him escape. Before standing up, Peter wiped his tears away and straightened his back.

Joe drove the family to Chicago, Anne in the passenger seat, and Peter and Chasten in the back. They held hands most of the way, and spoke random nonsense in an attempt to distract them from reality.

Joe parked the car and walked into the terminal, with each step Chasten’s breath grew shakier. While Peter was getting his tickets, Chasten’s parents showed up, they all walked Peter to security, until they could go with him no further.

Peter said goodbye, first, to Terry and Sherrie. They both embraced him with a big hug, and when they pulled back, Sherrie placed a hand on Peter’s cheek, and spoke proudly “I am so happy to be able to call you one of my son’s” Terry gave him a pat on the back as he moved on the say goodbye to his own Parents.

They each embraced him separately, then, Joe squeezed his shoulder firmly and gave him a proud nod. Anne pushed up on her tippy toes and placed a soft kiss on his cheek.

Finally, Peter turned to Chasten, who already had tear streaks running down his face. Chasten took a quick second to look into Peter’s beautiful dark blue eyes, before he reached out and firmly held Peter against him. He buried his face into Peter’s neck, and his shoulders shook in Perter’s embrace. He could feel Peter’s harsh breath against his own skin, making it impossible to let go.

Too soon, Peter loosened his grip in an effort to push out of the hug, but Chasten pulled tighter, pleading, “Please! Don’t let go! I’m not ready to say goodbye yet, I’m not rea-” Chasten's voice broke off, as he choked on his own breath, unable to regain air.

“Chasten, love, you need to breathe. Please, for me. Just breathe.” After a few more minutes, Chasten’s respiration steadied, and Peter was finally able to pull back to look at Chasten.

Chastlen looked down, worried that when he looks at Peter, it may be the last time he ever gets to see him again.

Peter cupped Chasten’s face in his hands, pulled his face up to look at him. “You are not going to lose me. I will come back to you, this isn’t goodbye” Peter presses a firm kiss to Chasten’s forehead “I love you”.

He lowers his hands and takes hold of one of Chastens, “I love you too.” Chasten replies, holding onto Peter as he slowly backed away, letting go at the very last second, before Peter turned on his heels and disappeared down the hall.


	2. I'll Love you, Always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things overseas don't go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I ask, that you please don't hate me.

It’s been a little over a month since Peter left, and Chasten has just gotten settled into a routine. He has two weeks until school starts up again, and he has never ached to work so much in his life. Anything to keep busy, he tells himself.

His days are simple. He wakes up, takes Truman out on a morning walk, cooks breakfast, reads, tidies the house, makes dinner, watches some tv, and goes to bed. Some days he meets up with Anne, or a friend, changing things up a bit.

Peter does his best to call him every night, even if it’s just for a minute to hear Chasten’s voice. Twice a week they FaceTime. And Chasten has finally gotten to the point where he can hang up without crying.

Things are easier than Chasten expected.

______________

It’s the first day of school, and Chasten is just getting home, praying that he makes it to June without killing any children. It’s hard to blame the kids, though, his emotions have been on high since he woke up.

Today is his and Peter’s anniversary. It’s not one of the days that Peter has set aside to be able to FaceTime him, but he promised Chasten he would try. So for the rest of the night Chasten would keep his laptop open at his side.

By 10:30 pm, Chasten was asleep in bed, with his laptop still open beside him.

He was jerked from his sleep, when the FaceTime icon appeared and the ringing sound escaped the speakers of his computer. He answered the call.

“Hey, babe”

“Hi” Chasten replied, his voice rough from sleep, and his hair unkempt.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

“Yea, but I don’t mind. You must have just woken up too, isn’t it like 6:00am there?”

“7:00am actually, so I only have a few minutes before I need to go.” He looked into the screen and saw Chasten’s eyes fill with disappointment. “But I wanted to call you and say happy anniversary.”

“Happy anniversary, Peter” He gave a sad smile.

“How was the first day of school? Do you hate all of your students yet?”

“Well, I can already tell which ones are going to be the most trouble, but I don’t hate any of my students. I just know which ones I wouldn’t want to have in my class again.” 

Peter chuckled lightly, but was cut off by a uniformed man in the background telling him to wrap it up.

“I’m so sorry, Chasten, I have to go. But I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you”

Chasten barely finished saying ‘I love you’ back before the call ended, and Peter’s face was off of the screen.

That night had been the first in almost a month that Chasten cried when Peter hung up. He walked over to the closest, pulled out Peter’s grey Harvard sweater, put it to his nose, and simply breathed in. It still smelled like Peter, their usual laundry detergent, mixed with Peter’s cologne, and just a hint of his natural scent. Chasten curled up in bed, still holding the sweater, and went to sleep.

_______________

Once again things continued routinely. Chasten was now able to bury himself in work, to give even more of a distraction from Peter. He still thought about him, and talked about him to co-workers, but the worry in his stomach had settled.

It was early November when Chasten found himself on FaceTime with Peter, for what he didn’t realize would be the last time.

They shared simple conversation, as a tired wave washed over Peter’s face. For Chasten it was only 4:00 in the afternoon, but for Peter, it was 12:30am.

“Babe, you look exhausted. Let’s just call it a night, and we’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Fine, but you have to hang up, first” Peter shot Chasten a wink, and a tilted smile.

“Goodnight, I love you.” Chasten waited for Peter to reply with the sentiment before hitting the red button, and relaxing into the bed.

_______________

Chasten was starting to worry, he hadn’t heard from Peter in three days since their last FaceTime call. Their next FaceTime wasn’t scheduled until tomorrow, but usually Peter at least called the phone, even for a minute.

It was his lunch break at school, only two more days before he got a few days off for Thanksgiving. He was eating a salad and scrolling through instagram when Anne called.

It wasn’t uncommon for her to check in during lunch, so he answered the phone with ease.

“Hey Anne. How are you do-” He was quickly cut off by her voice.

“Chasten, sweetheart, you need to come home” had she been crying?

“I can’t just leave, I have class.”

“Well, then tell the office or something, you just need to come home.” There was a sudden tone of urgency in her voice, and Chasten obeyed.

Before long, he was pulling up in front of the house. He rushed inside, knowing something was wrong, when he got inside Anne and Joe were waiting for him on the couch.

It was the first time he had ever seen Joe cry, he had never seen somebody so strong, become so vulnerable.

He dropped to the couch next to Anne and pulled her into his arms. Not a word was spoken, but he knew what was happening.

Peter was gone.

He cried. More tears than he could’ve ever imagined he had. His Peter, was the only man who truly loved him. The one person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and he wouldn’t even be there for half of it.

Chasten’s heart shattered, each sharp piece pierced his insides. The room was spinning and his stomach flipped. He got up from the couch and ran to the bathroom, as his body grew sick with grief.

He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

He stayed there, back against the toilet, head in hands, sobbing, until he was pulled into a familiar embrace. His mother was holding him. Anne had called his parents when she got the news, and asked them to come to South Bend.

Chasten refused to talk about the logistics of the situation until the next day, when he gave up fighting the words he dreaded hearing said aloud.

There had been a bomb dropped on the base where Peter was stationed, after days of rummaging through debris, and counting the casualties, they found his dog tags.

Chastened tried to reason with the truth, “They only found his tags, how do we even know he’s gone.”

Joe looked at him with pleading eyes “There were multiple bodies that couldn’t be identified, they believe Peter to be one of them”

“But you don’t know! He could still be out there!” Chasten kept pushing “He can’t be gone. He promised me. He has to still be-”

“Chasten!” His dad stopped his words. Chasten looked up at him, seeing a red ring around his eyes, was he crying too? “Please, Chasten, you’re only gonna make it harder on yourself.”

_____________

For the next couple days, Sherrie and Terry spent the night in the guest room of Peter and Chasten’s house. Joe and Anne came by each day to check on them, Chasten mainly.

The school told Chasten to take the rest of the year off, and they would welcome him back with open arms in the fall.

He spent most of the days in bed, clutching Peter’s sweater, which was now rapidly starting to lose its scent. Truman slept at his feet. He could sense something was wrong.

_____________

After putting it off for a week, Chasten could no longer deny the truth, he took a deep trembling breath, and opened the letter, written on the envelope where the words  _ Just in case. _

Inside was a page and a half, with dark ink printed on the paper in Peter’s handwriting.

_ Chasten, my love, _

_ If you’re reading this letter, then I am so sorry. You were never meant to see this. I am so sorry for many things. I am sorry that I hurt you, that for the rest of your life you are always going to think about the ‘what could’ve beens’. I am sorry that I will never get another chance to hold you after a tough day. I am sorry that I will never get to look up at you while down on one knee holding a velvet box in my hand. I am sorry that I will never get to stare into your beautiful eyes across an altar, while sharing with you a vow of our love. I am sorry that I will never get a chance to see you throw a ball in the backyard with our adoring child. And most of all, I am sorry that I never got a proper chance to say goodbye. _

_ I know things are hard, and I can’t promise that they will get easier anytime soon, but I beg you to try. I don’t want you to worry about me, I had a fulfilling life. I had a family that cared for me, I studied at two of the greatest schools in the world, I got to serve the country that I love, both in the military and in office. And thanks to you I was able to experience the feeling of true love. _

_ I know it hurts right now, and I hope that one day the pain in your heart eases. Remember me in your best of times, and in your worst. Know that no matter what happens in your life, I will be cheering you on. _

_ You were the love of my life, but Chasten, chances are I wasn’t yours. You are the most incredible man I have ever met, and you trusted me with your heart, and for that I am eternally grateful. But you deserve a lifetime of love. It breaks my heart knowing that it won’t be me, but you will find someone, don’t push it away because of me. You told me that I helped you believe in love again, well, don’t stop believing. _

_ Take care of Truman, mom, and dad, but most importantly, take care of yourself. I pray that one day I will be lucky enough to see you again, but until then  _ **_just breathe_ ** _. _

_ ~I’ll love you, always, Peter. _

  
  



	3. Why Did You Have To Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chasten's moves on to acceptance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to let everyone know that I don't hate Chasten. I love that man with my whole being, and I don't hurt him on purpose. I just have a wicked imagination.

At first a few days passed, long and dreadful. Then weeks. Chasten was getting out of bed, he walked Truman, and did laundry, but he barely ate. Maybe a meal a day if he remembered, he was usually reminded when Anne came to visit saying that he looked too skinny and he needed food in his stomach.

She understood, really, she had lost her son. She knew how hard this was for Chasten, and she would never say this allowed, but she was thankful to have Joe, a loving partner to help her through it. Everytime she thought about that, her heart sank with regret, knowing that Chasten had just lost  _ his _ loving partner.

Before Chasten knew it, it was Christmas. His parents decided against their big annual Glezman Christmas, and instead Sherrie and Terry drove down to South Bend to have a small celebration with Joe and Anne.

Despite Peter being gone, both sets of parents stayed in contact. Anne and Joe insisted that they would always think of Chasten as their son.

Christmas was hard. The idea of celebrating a birth, when he was still mourning a loss, seemed insane to him. Since being with Peter he started to understand religion, and the meaning behind Christmas. Since losing Peter he has begun going to church every Sunday, in hopes of somehow feeling closer to Peter. But Christmas this year still feels wrong, selfish almost.

They had dinner at Peter’s parents, and exchanged a few gifts. Chasten notices a small glance between Anne and Joe. Then Anne got up and handed him a small black box.

“Before Peter left, he asked myself and his father to hold on to your gift for him. He said that he didn’t want you to find around the house when cleaning.” Anne smiled softly, as Chasten took the box. “We think it’s only right for you to still have it. Peter would want you to.”

Chasten slowly opened the box, feeling his eyes already start to well up. Inside laid a watch, almost identical to the one he gave Peter the year before. The only difference was the color of the band. Peter’s had been navy blue, and this one was black. The water in his eyes poured over, and down his cheeks, as he stared at the face of the watch and thought,  _ why did you have to leave? _

_____________

A few more months passed and at his mother’s wish, Chasten had joined a support group for people who had lost loved ones in the military. He almost felt guilty for being there, though. Everyone who was there knew their loved ones for much longer than he knew by Peter. A woman, Lisa, who was with her husband for 20 years, before he died. Josh, who lost his mother at 14. He had only been with Peter for two years, who was he to compare that short lived love to theirs.

It was his second week in attendance, and he was asked to share his story. He told the group everything he could manage. He decided to leave out the part that they only found Peter’s tags, he didn’t want them to see the false hope in his eyes.

After the meeting, he was stopped by another member. 

“Chasten, right?” He held his hand out, and Chasten shook it. “I’m Carl.”

“Um, hi” Chasten’s old extroverted tendencies had been stripped away when Peter died. He became shy, and closed in, and barley met new people. He wasn’t against being nice, however.

“A few of us like to go out after group. You know, just to take our mind off of things. Would you like to join us?” Carl’s eyebrows raised a little with the question and a bright smile spread across his face.

Chasten really didn’t want to go, but he knew that if his mother or Anne found out, they would be disappointed in him for not living. He also knows that Peter wouldn’t want him slumming around for the rest of his life.

“Uh, yea, sure.” Reluctantly he got details from Carl about where they were going.

They wound up going to a small coffee shop. Chasten really tried to seem interested in the conversation, but his brain didn’t care. For most of the time he stared at the lid of his coffee cup, thinking about nothing, and everything at the same time.

Carl pulled him from his thoughts, and he looked around confused. Everyone was getting up to leave and go their separate ways.

“Chasten, are you okay.” He placed his hand on Chasten’s forearm to get his attention.

Chasten quickly pulled back his arm, as if he’d just been burned “Yea, I’m fine. I just zoned out for a bit.”

“Okay, well I’m gonna head home, I’ll see you next week.” And with that Carl left Chasten with his thoughts.

______________

Life continued, some days were harder than others but Chasten was starting to understand his life without Peter. Before he knew it, it was August and he was back at work. 

The date of their Anniversary was one of the harder days. After work, he took a walk to the cemetery where Peter’s headstone was. Since there was no body identified, Peter wasn’t actually buried there, but Chasten still felt close to Peter.

Chasten sat in the grass and leaned against the cement. He tilted his head to rest on the curved top. He closed his eyes, and for a brief second he was able to trick his mind into thinking that the stone under his head was actually Peter’s shoulder.

Tears dripped onto the grass beneath him, the drops settled on the stems like morning dew.

The sky darkened above him, and he realized it was time to head home. He placed a kiss on the headstone and whispered “I love you, Peter.”

______________

September came and went, Chasten was getting back into work, spent more time with friends and continued going to his support group, even going out afterwards with Carl and other members.

It was another Sunday afternoon, and he was sitting with group members talking about their plans for Halloween. He took a sip from his pumpkin spice latte, and felt eyes on him as he put his cup down. He glanced up to see Carl looking at him.

“Can I help you?” Chasten asked playfully.

“I’m sorry, I just... you look different today.”

“Different good?”

“Yea!” Carl punctuated his answer with a single chuckle. “Like...happy”

“Oh. Well, I feel happy”

“It’s a good look on you, you should wear it more often.” Carl looked down and blushed, before choosing his words. “I don’t want to be too forward, I know things are still a little hard for you, but I was wondering if you’d want to go to dinner with me on Friday.”

“Like, on a date?” Chasten was conflicted, not sure if he should smile or frown.

“Or not! It can be casual. But I like you, Chasten.”

“Um, Okay. Yea. It’s a date”

That night Chasten called his mom and asked for advice.

“Peter told you to move on. You don’t have to feel bad.”

“I know, but it hasn’t even been a year, and I’m already going on a date.” Chasten paced the bedroom, and Truman looked up at him.

“Exactly, a date. That’s all this is right now, it’s not like you are getting married.”

“You’re right. I guess I’m just worried about Anne”

“She’ll be okay, I’m sure of it. She wants you to be happy too.”

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chasten takes a chance on something new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carl is not a bad guy! He just wants to see Chasten smile!

Chasten decided to hold off of telling Anne about his date. He didn’t want her to know, until he knew it was worth talking about. Little did he know, by Saturday, he would be telling her everything.

Friday came quicker than Chasten wanted it to. He didn’t not want to go on the date, but he wasn’t sure he was ready yet.

At 6:00pm Chasten met Carl at a restaurant in Mishawaka, a neighboring town of South Bend, where Carl lived. It was good for Chasten, because he wasn’t sure he could handle going on a date to a restaurant in South Bend, with someone who wasn’t Peter. More than that he wasn’t ready for the locals to see him on a date with someone other than Peter.

He got to the table where Carl was already seated. Carl quickly stood up to greet Chasten when he approached.

“Hi! I’m glad you made it” Carl was more nervous than a 17 year old boy asking a girl to the prom.

“I’m glad you asked me.”

For the next hour that talked nonsense. What subject Chasten taught, followed by his love for theatre, and Carl’s work as a veterinarian, and how much he loved animals. The conversation was easy, Chasten felt like he could talk and listen to Carl for hours.

When the check came they both reached for it, but Carl eventually won out, saying that he was the one who invited Chasten, so it was only fair that he paid.

After paying and finishing their drinks Carl walked Chasten to his car. “I had a really good time with you tonight, I hope we can do it again.”

“It was fun. I’ll talk to you after group on Sunday, and we can make plans from there.”

Carl started walking away to his own car, but turned after a few steps, “Goodnight, Chasten.”

“Goodnight, Carl.” Chasten got into his car, closed his eyes and just breathed. He really did enjoy the date. Maybe he  _ would _ do it again.

The next day Chasten planned to join Anne for lunch, and while eating his salad he begged his brain not to let him talk about the previous night. But if Chasten was in full control of his brain, then a lot of things in his life would have turned out differently.

“I went on a date,” He blurted out. Anne was mid sentence talking about something, but Chasten hadn’t been paying enough attention to know. “I’m sorry. I know it seems rushed. I mean, Peter hasn’t even been gone a year, and I still don’t know if I am capable of loving anyone but him. But I just had to tell you. Please don't be upset.” His eyes pleaded as he waited for her to respond

“I could never be upset over you being happy. He does make you happy, right?” Anne placed her hand over Chasten’s.

“Well, I don’t know. We’ve only been on one date. But it was a good date. He made me laugh a lot. He even almost made me forget about my pain”

“As long as he doesn’t make you forget everything, then I support you.”

Chasten smiled at her, and they changed the topic of conversation to something more uplifting.

_____________

Three months had passed, and Chasten was feeling good about his future. Things at school were going great, he heard a rumor floating around that he was up ‘Teacher of the Year’. He and Carl had continued their relationship, and this weekend, his parents were driving down to join them, Joe, and Anne for dinner. Both parents were set to meet Carl for the first time.

He still missed Peter, and there were days that he woke up, and for just a few seconds forgot that he was gone, still expecting to see his sleeping figure next to him in bed. But just like everyday for over a year, now, Peter wasn’t next to him.

He hadn’t been this nervous since he brought Peter to his parents house for Christmas the first time. He had four hours until he had to pick up Carl and head to Peter’s parents house for dinner. So he took the next few hours to prepare himself for any possible outcome of the night.

They had agreed to do dinner at Anne and Joe’s because even after three months together, Carl had only been in Chasten’s house once, and that was just to quickly use the restroom after getting back from a hike. Chasten didn’t feel it was right to have a romantic partner in the house that he and Peter shared, yet alone in their bed. Luckily for him Carl was very understanding and never pushed.

After walking Truman, showering, and changing his shirt three times, he was finally on his way to Carl’s house. He shot Carl a text and waited for him to come out of the house.

After a few minutes, Carl appeared and got into the car. He leaned over the center console and accepted the kiss Chasten offered. He sat back against the seat, strapped the seatbelt over him, and they were on their way.

Right away Carl hit it off with all four parents. Each one took their chance to ask him the hard hitting questions, but answered everything with grace. Chasten thought that in another life Carl would’ve made a great politician, maybe he had a thing for that.

Carl captured Anne’s heart during the meal when he praised her cooking.

“It was only my dad and I growing up, so, unless I cooked, the food was never that good.”

“Well, I’m glad you like it. I might have to send you home with the leftovers. Lord knows if I give them to Chasten, they’ll sit in the fridge for a week before he throws them out” Anne nudges Chasten’s shoulder as she makes the joke.

“Hey, I’m still doing better than Peter, two weeks in the fridge was his  _ minimum _ .” The room erupted with laughter, but Carl grew quiet and awkward.

He didn’t have a problem with Chasten talking about Peter, quite the contrary actually, he liked knowing that Chasten was comfortable around him enough to talk about his past love. But he suddenly felt out of place. Here he was in a room full of people who, just a year ago were mourning the death of his current boyfriend's late partner. Two of those people, being said partners' parents. He felt that no matter how much he was accepted into the family, he could fill the hole in their hearts.

He didn’t want to replace Peter, he knew he never could, but he wanted Chasten to trust him enough to know that he could share his life with him, even if he wasn’t Peter.

_______________

The year continued on smoothly, Chasten  _ did _ get ‘Teacher of the Year’, he and Carl spent more time with the parents. They even went to Michigan for Chasten’s birthday. It was the first time he had been to his hometown since before Peter died, and the family was shocked to see was with another man.

It was now October and Chasten and Carl were celebrating one year together. They were at Carl’s house enjoying dinner that Carl made, and sipping wine. After dinner, Carl asked Chasten to follow him into the living room where there were dimly lit candles on the coffee table, and Cher’s ‘Believe’ was playing softly in the background.

“What is all this?” Chasten asked, as he turned around to find Carl, down on one knee, holding a box, containing a thin silver band.

“Chasten, I know the past couple years have been extremely hard for you, and I know your life in general has never been easy. But if your story has taught me anything, it’s that we shouldn’t waste any time to tell the people we care about, how much we love them.” His voice trembled as he continued. “I love you, Chasten. And I don’t want to waste anymore time. I know I’m not Peter, and I will never live up to the standards he set, but I promise you that I will cherish you. I will laugh when you make a joke, I will smile, when you smile, and I will hold you when you miss him. I will do everything I can to make sure you know how loved you are.”

  
Chasten was crying. Without thinking he was nodding his head and repeating the word ‘yes’ over and over. Carl stood up and took him into his arms.


	5. I've Got You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know most of you probably hate Carl. BUT HE IS A GOOD GUY, AND CHASTEN DESERVES TO BE HAPPY!
> 
> Also, there is more sad stuff.
> 
> Sorry, not sorry.

Chasten sat in his parked car. He had two very important phone calls to make. First his mother.

After two rings Sherrie picked up, “Hey, sweetie. What’s up.”

“Mom, I have news” His voice was emotionless. He wasn’t sad, yet he couldn’t quite bring himself to be happy.

“Good news, or bad.” Worry quickly filled her voice. “Don’t tell me you broke up with Carl. I liked him. He brought the smile back to your face”

“No, I didn’t break up with Carl. He asked me to marry him, actually.” That’s when Chasten finally felt the happiness bubble inside him.

“OH MY GOD!” Chasten had to pull the phone away from his ear to save his eardrums from his mother’s voice. “I’m so happy. I’m gonna go tell your father. Call me later!”

“Bye, mom” He wasn’t able to finish his sentence before the line went dead.

Time for the second call, Chasten thought nervously, as he dialed Anne’s number.

“Hello! I was just about to call you. You and Carl are both coming here for Thanksgiving, correct?” Anne had the phone on speaker as she frantically paced through the kitchen.

“Yes, but there’s something I need to tell, preferably before thanksgiving.” Chasten laughed lightly at his own joke.

“Of course, I’m guessing that’s why you called.”

“It is. Um… Carl asked me to marry him, and I said yes.” The other end went silent, and Chasten had to check to make sure he didn’t accidentally mute or end the call. “Anne, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, honey, just thinking”  _ Oh,  _ Chasten thought. He knew this wouldn’t be an easy conversation, but he didn't think Anne would disapprove. “I just always dreamt it would be you and Peter. I know that it can’t be, so that’s why I’m not telling you ’no’. I want you to be happy, and I can see Carl makes you happy.”

“He does”

“Well, then.  _ I’m _ happy. But you know, there’s still one other person you need to talk to.”

“I know, I’m here now.” He looked out the car window, as he hung up the phone, and glanced at the rows of gravestones.

Chasten inhaled deeply, closed his eyes, and exhaled. He put his phone in the cupholder, so it wouldn’t distract, and he got out of the car.

He passed row after row of stones until he got to the on that was way too familiar.

He kneeled down in front of the cement that read ' _ Peter Buttigieg, adored son, proud mayor, navy vet, and loving partner' _ .

Ignoring anyone who may be watching, Chasten leaned forward and hugged the rock, as he spoke, “Peter, you made me the happiest man in the world. I didn’t think I was capable of love, until I met you. For two years you were my reason to wake up every morning. And then you  _ left _ me. You  _ broke _ my heart Peter, and I have  _ hated _ you every single day since then. You promised me you would never hurt me, the way other guys had. Instead, you hurt me more. I trusted you with my heart, just for you to rip it out of my chest. And I know it wasn’t your fault, but I can’t help the anger that rises in me when I try to smile, but can’t because you're not here to smile with me."

Chasten pulled back as his body shook with every tear that rolled down his cheek. “I’m getting married. It was supposed to be you. He loves me, and I love him. But I couldn’t fully commit until I told you, so here I am.”

“I’m not gonna come visit you as much as I have been, but I’ll be sure to stop by on your birthday, and our anniversary. I’ll always love you, Peter.” He placed one final kiss on the stone before getting up walking back to the car with red rimmed eyes, and tear streaked cheeks. He would never again return to that grave. 

________________

It was Thanksgiving, the turkey was in the oven with about 20 minutes left on the timer, and the whole family was gathered in the Buttigieg family house. Terry, Joe, Chasten, and Carl were all in the living room watching the football game, as Sherrie and Anne finished up cooking in the kitchen.

Anne has been a nervous wreck all day, seeming to work extra hard in the kitchen and avoiding Chasten. Maybe she really was upset about him marrying Carl. Now that he thinks about, everybody but him and Carl seemed to be anxious.

Ten minutes left on the timer, and there was a knock on the door. Chasten got up to answer but Anne quickly moved telling him to sit back down.

She walked to the door, opened it, but moved to hide the visitor, and spoke to them in a whisper.

“Anne, who’s at the door?” Chasten stood up from the couch curiosity getting the better of him.

Upon hearing Chasten’s voice, the visitor pushed past Anne into the house.

Chasten took one look, before his knees gave out and fell to the ground, screaming with agony in his voice…

\------------------

Two days earlier:

Anne was digging through her cabinets, making her master shopping list for Thanksgiving, when she heard a knock at the door.

Gingerly setting down the bottles of spices in her hands, she walked over and opened the door.

Blood rushed to her head, but before nausea could in, two strong arms caught her from falling, and walked her over to the couch to sit.

She stared, wide eyed, unblinking, but unable to form tears, at the man sitting next to her.

Peter.

His clothes were dirty, his hair was long, and his beard was untrimmed. He was unrecognizable, but just from his piercing blue eyes she could see that this man in front of her was her son.

Once the initial shock washed over her, she fell against Peter’s chest, and cried. He did too.

Hours past before either one became capable of words. Peter being the first.

“I know you have a lot of questions, and I will answer all of them in due time. However, before I do, I want to say, I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine the pain that I have put this family through.”

“How are you here? They found your tags, your base was destroyed, you should be dead!”

“I should be, yes. And not a day has gone by that I haven’t felt the guilt pool in my stomach knowing that I was the only one to survive. But I  _ am  _ here, miraculously”

Peter continued. “I was asked to go out before sunrise to deliver supplies to a neighboring base, the missiles hit while I was between locations, and when I got back everything was destroyed. I planned to stay there until more troops moved in to assess the damage, but before they did, Afghany militias arrived and took me prisoner.” He grew shaky recounting the details, but continued anyways.

“I was able to escape before reaching their headquarters, but we were in the middle of nowhere, and I had no idea where the closest U.S. base was, so I just started walking. I spent months traveling from town to town trying to get any information I could, without getting caught again. Before I knew it, I had been wandering for a year and a half. Then, I finally reached a marine camp.”

Peter reached out for his mother’s hand yearning for the familiar contact. “They took me in and questioned me, wanting to know everything I saw and heard. They told me I had to stay there for two months before transportation could arrive to take me back to the States, so I waited.”

“Eventually, I was taken from the base, and brought back. They insisted I had to stay in a wounded warriors facility for at least another month, for psychological evaluation. I got one outside call a week, and everytime I called Chasten, but when he answered, I couldn’t speak, and I’d hang up. After three calls he blocked the number. I was released from the facility two days ago, and now I’m here.” He flashed a toothy smile as his mother pulled him back in for another hug.

“Oh Peter, I am so happy you are here. I’ve missed you so much.”

“I missed you too. And dad. And Chasten” Peter pulled back “I have to see him.”

Peter stood to leave, but his mother grabbed his wrist and stopped him.

“Peter,” she looked at him with sad eyes. “There’s something you should know”

“Whatever it is, it can wait, I’ve been waiting two years to see the man I love, and I’m not waiting any longer” Peter released himself from his mother’s hold, and walked to the door.

As soon as his hand was on the knob, Anne spoke again. “Chasten’s engaged”

\-----------------

Chasten buried his head in his hands trying to stifle the loud sobs that released from his throat.

Carl knelt down next to him, and tried to wrap his arms around his fiance to comfort him, but Chasten pushed him away, “Don’t touch me! Please!” He pleaded as Carl backed off.

Peter stood in the doorway watching in horror as the man he loved broke down.

Since his talk with his mother, Peter had gotten a haircut, shaved, showered, and gotten new clothes determined to be the same Peter that Chasten remembered.

Peter rushed to Chasten’s side, ignoring the cries of protest from Chasten, and scooping him up in his arms, and rocking him back and forth.

Chasten burrowed his face in Peter’s neck, sobbing aloud and pounding his fist to Peter’s chest as he yelled, “I hate you! I hate you so much!”

Peter tightened his grip around Chasten, trying, but failing to sush him.

“It’s okay, everythings okay now, Chasten,  **just breathe** ” Peter’s own tears began to fall. “I’ve got you, Chasten. And I am never letting you go again.”

Dinner forgotten, the rest of the family clung to each other as they cried silent tears at Peter’s return. Joe had seen Peter the day he got back, but Sherrie and Terry were in shock.

Carl stayed frozen in place where Chasten had pushed him away. He cried to himself, seeing the interaction before him, knowing that he would never be able to be the man that owned Chasten’s heart.

An hour passed, maybe two, and Peter was sitting on the floor, back against the wall. Chasten was curled into his lap, face pressed against Peter’s neck gripping the collar of his dress shirt, and occasionally sniffling, and letting out airy breaths. He had no tears left to cry, but he couldn’t bring himself to pull back from Peter’s embrace.

The rest of the family sat quietly, whispering amongst themselves, and Anne filled in the details of Peter’s return. Carl sat on the couch, his head in his hands, as he recounted the last year of his life, and Sherrie did her best to support him.

Finally Carl stood, “I’m just gonna go. Chasten, I’ll call you later and we can set up a time for you to pick up your stuff from my place.”

He started to walk away, when Chasten crawled out of Peter’s lap and stood to stop him, “Wait? Where are you going?”

“I’m going somewhere that I won’t be the awkward third wheel.”

“But I don’t want to break up, I love you.”

At this, Peter shot up from his seated position.

“Chasten, you just cried in another man's arms for two hours, the same man who you loved more than anything, and thought was dead.” Carl continued. “You can not honestly say that you’d rather be with me. We have been together for over a year, and are engaged, and I still have not spent more than a couple hours in your house, because you didn’t think it would be fair to Peter. You thought he was dead for two years, and yet your love for him never wavered once.”

Carl kissed Chasten one last time, “I will not let you throw away your chance at true love, because you are worried about hurting me. I love you, Chasten” And with that, Carl left.

Chasten stood where Carl left him. He felt sad, but more so that he hurt Carl, not that he left.

Peter stepped behind Chasten and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, and placed a kiss on Chasten's temple.

Over the past year, Carl had made Chasten very happy, but he couldn’t deny the fact that having Peter’s arms around him again, made him feel happier than he has in his entire life. He was where he was meant to be.

  
  



	6. I'm Here Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chasten becomes whole again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love Pete and Chasten. I don't like to think about them with other people, but for the sake of this fic I did.  
> I still think Carl is a good guy, just no meant for Chasten.

The rest of the night was filled with hugs, tears, ‘I missed yous’, and more hugs.

Both Peter and Chasten were overly exhausted by the time they got back to their respected house.

“Wow, it’s like I never left” Peter commented, as he looked around the entryway.

“Mom, made me pack away some of your stuff, but I didn’t have the heart to change the house around, it was yours after all.” Chasten gave him a half smile, before quickly looking away. “Speaking of, all of your clothes are packed in boxes in your study.”

Before Peter got the chance to respond, they heard light, quick steps approaching them, and Truman appeared around the corner.

Truman looked at Peter, and stopped his movements. Peter slowly knelt down in front of his dog, and carefully extended his hand, palm up, allowing Truman to sniff his hand. Truman cautiously inched forward, leading with his nose. He sniffed it twice before moving closer, rubbing his head against Peter, and quietly whimpering.

Peter picked up the dog, tilting his forehead against Truman, and carried him up the steps to the bedroom, as Chasten followed behind.

Despite this being his house, he still felt awkward. He continuously looked to Chasten for reassurance that what he was doing was okay. He waited for Chasten to open the door to the house and wave him in, before entering. He let Chasten use the bathroom and get ready for bed, sitting patiently on the edge of the bed, until Chasten invited him to lay down. And he let Chasten pull him into a cuddle, before reaching out first.

He wasn’t sure if he was more worried about overwhelming Chasten, or himself.

Chasten settled into the bed, scooting closer to Peter’s side, draping one hand across his stomach and nestling his head under Peter’s chin.

“If you wanted to be with Carl, I wouldn’t blame you.” 

Chasten was on the verge of sleep, but Peter laid awake, his eyes fixated on a spot on the ceiling. His mind was racing with every doubt he’s ever had about his relationship with Chasten. Never in the past, had any of these thoughts struck him as real, they were just a reminder for him not to screw things up. But now, seeing Chasten with another man who he was engaged to and telling him that he loved him, it hurt.

Chasten opened his eyes and sat up, looking down at Peter, who looked back at him with a blank stare.

“I don’t want him. I loved him yes, and I still do, but he’s not you.” Chasten turned his body to sit cross legged next to Peter’s hip, and took one of his hands in his own. “It was never going to workout anyways, whether you actually died or not. ”

“You don’t know that, ho-”

“No, I do.” Chasten spoke over his words, before Peter gave up. “Things were fine now, but what would happen when we got married? I would never let him move in here. Hell, I barely even let him sit on the couch. And there is no way I would ever move out of this house. That relationship was destined to fail before it even started. I think the only reason I loved him was because he was a distraction.”

“Okay,” was all Peter said. It was a simple response, but it was enough to tell Chasten that he understood. With that they let the conversation drop, and snuggled back in to go to sleep.

_________________

A month and a half later, the first week of January, Peter found himself at the O’Hare airport kneeling down on one knee, asking Chasten to marry him.

“I want to make sure that you never lose me again. So, Chasten Glezman, the love of my life, will you marry me?”

“Yes, Peter! Of course. I will marry you.” Chasten cried as his knees went weak, fortunately Peter stood and caught him before he could fall. They stood there for a minute, Peter holding him firmly, until Chasten was able to stand on his own.

________________

June came quickly, as Chasten and Peter worked endlessly to plan the perfect wedding.

They stood at the altar, right hands clasped tightly together, light blue eyes staring into dark blue ones. One by one they repeated the vows, Peter first.

When it came time for Chasten to speak, words started easy.

“To have and to hold, until parted in death” the officiant spoke.

Chasten’s throat tightened as he choked on his words, and blinked back tears. He couldn’t do it. Those words had always been a metaphor, but for him they were real. He lived it.

Chasten’s eyes shot back and forth between Peter and the officiant, he wanted to speak, but he didn’t know how.

Peter’s grip on his hand tightened, as he placed his other hand on Chasten’s cheek.

“Chasten, love. It’s okay.” Just by looking at him, Peter knew what he was thinking, and was jumping to rid him of his fears. “I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere.  **Just breathe** .”

Chasten did just that. He focused his eyes on Peter, took a deep breath and continued the vow. The vow that would stand between for many years until the time came when they accepted the inevitable.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed the piece.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on twitter @Buttispams


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